Malleus Malificarum

The inquisitor is in full display today again instead of the head persecutor I'm used too. That’s a part of him I was always wearied of. If he had not been so fixed on finding me guilty, I could have appreciated his dedication to the job.

The barbarians left him half blind after their attack. It seems to me they really tried to see what was in his skull. It means that, for a time, I can’t take his face for another one or play dumb about not recognising him. His head is so covered in bandages that it’s impossible to miss. Only his eyes are visible, at least one of them, piercing me by his glare, like he’s trying to see through my skin what’s inside. As long as he doesn’t cut me with a knife to find of if what he sees is true…

It seems I’m a big suspect to something because I was the last to be accounted for after the attack. Too suspicious for my own good. It’s like I wasn’t inside the compound in the first place. I’m even totally unhurt, not even a scratch on me. That’s soo suspicious! And if I weren’t here where could I be? Maybe in a village nearby doing so many bad things? It seems I spent too much time without supervision for my own good, it backfires now, but of course, it has nothing to do with the fact that I started puking everywhere when I’m in a presence of faces for too long. Nah, it’s indubitably a sign of guiltiness. See? Especially when it’s him who authorised me to roam the place as I wanted.

It’s just so stupid. In his mind it seems Ellie is also guilty of doing bad things with me, or me doing some on her. It’s not really clear but she is guilty of not being so much terrorised than the others and being late to be registered too. And that mean we’re guilty of something, period, he just doesn’t know what, yet. Nothing to do with the fact that we could be good at hiding, right? Nah it would be too easy, he has to play it the hard way, if nothing else. No way he starts thinking he could be in the wrong in the first place.

And so, here we are again, for another session of ‘tell me everything or I’ll be so mean you’ll regret being born’. Not the first time I’m in that situation but it’s always so infuriated. I’m not even a bit remotely really that guilty this time, so it had a lot to frustrate me. So what? Do I have to lie to make him satisfied? Usually that face is more efficient than a lie detector. It seems to me that I’m doomed from the start. Can’t lie, and he will accept only a lie to be satisfied. Talk about faces and their way to do things.

If it were just words, I couldn’t care more, it’s just lost time. Hell that’s nothing, even if they put me in a box for some weeks. It’s just that he had a wooden stick and he’s more than ready to use it. Well, not himself, not enough in good shape for that but there are always some faces from the staff guards to be ready to beat senseless a little boy. At least in my world. And it’s not like they didn’t have recently an accumulation of pent-up frustrations to vent out on beating me. They’ll probably even feel good about it thereafter somehow.

And so, here we go again.

It’s not like I’m not telling him everything, he just didn’t buy it, whatever I blurt out about. It’s without end. Even stick face became uneasy after the last beating. So the inquisitor removed him and picked up another one. And here we go again, exhausting.

There is a tinge of madness in his eyes. I always knew it was there, but it was under a shape of regulations and obligations. Not free to be put in action against the world. I took my utmost care to appease that face and always gave him what he wanted to never be put in front of his madness unleashed. Too bad, the beast is out now and I'm her target.

And here we go again.

He’s so exalted. Finally, he could be himself without breaking some law. I know what it’s like, I’ve been there even if in my case I broke laws, lots of them. It’s also why he’s so sure I’m guilty and hell-bent on proving it whatever it takes.

Another stick guy is here today. How many days since I’m here? Lost count. As for now, I also lost the count of how many stick guy he used to the limit. Even for them, he’s way too much in inquisitor mode. It seems those guys are my best advocate in the outside, trying to prove him I told the truth. They found my nests, most of them. Brought back my writings, my pictures, and everything else. Confirming most of what I said to the inquisitor.

Like it would change something. More than once now, I told him exactly what he would want me to say a few days prior, even if it’s a lie. To no avail. He wants to break me. It’s just he’s persuaded that I play one of those male games with him. He couldn’t even understand now that I never started playing in the first place. That he’s completely in the wrong from the beginning.

I yield from day one and are already broken in that regard. How could that be registered in that mind of his now? It’ll negate everything he thinks he is. More easy to think I’m a strong devil who resisted him, the high inquisitor, in his quest for rightfulness. What a joke. Even when I’m writing these words in my cell, he still thinks I’m playing his game of stupidity. And here we go again.

Mama take this badge from me,

I can’t use it anymore.

It’s getting dark, to dark to see,
feels like…